So, the great Orange County Restaurant Assn.’s Happy Hour Week bar-joke contest is over and we have some winnahs:

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. (from John Chapman);

A seal walked into a club… (from C. Howie);

Two men walk into a bar … the second guy should have seen it coming. (William A. O’Conner).

What do they have in common? Well, they all tend to deconstruct the traditional bar joke, reducing it to a sort of minimalism … Uh, OK, I’ll stop now. They’re just funny!

Then there was this late entry that we heard that wasn’t entered through the official channels so wasn’t eligible, but it’s darned funny. “A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ‘I’m sorry, pal, but we don’t serve food here.'”

The bar-joke contest was the brainchild of Mona Shah of the restaurant association. She first solicited entries on her Facebook page and then I ran something in the Pilot and Jeff Overley of the OC Register also blogged on it, asking for submissions. We’re printing the best of them.

“Despite the many options (and many, many repeat jokes), I settled on the top three funniest and each will win a $50 gift card to one of OC’s best eateries,” Shah said. “Participating restaurants include Port Restaurant (Corona del Mar), Bluewater Grill (Newport Beach and Tustin), and Lucca Cafe (Irvine).”

Mona received more than 75 entries. Here are the honorable mentions:

** An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however, there are flies in each mug of beer.

Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, “That’s disgusting.”

The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!

John Madigan

** A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

Matt Westmoreland

** A man walks into a bar, sits down and places a bag on the counter. The bartender asks, “What’s in the bag?” The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 1-foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, and then a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that?” asks the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

“I will grant you one wish. Each person is allowed only one,” the genie says.

The bartender gets excited. Without hesitating he says: “I want a million bucks.”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says: “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

Says the man: “Tell me about it. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

Janet Stankovics

** An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. 
A cop pulls him over.
”So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk. 
” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
”

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Dennis Donaghy

** Ted wakes up at home with a bad hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. Ted looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note left on the table that reads: “Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Ted asks, “Boy, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 1 a.m., drunk and silly. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door.”

Confused, Ted asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, ‘Lady leave me alone, I’m married!’ ”

Bob Allison

Bookmark to: